Ok, So We Don't Hate Each Other. Now What?

To get the idea to become more than just words, we have to get people talking about it

In church, they’re called Sunday School answers. In the professional world, they take the form of buzzy phrases imparted in staff training sessions or at company retreats. In the entertainment sphere, they show up in slogans and hashtags in celebrity social media posts.

What they are is a distinct type of kind of platitude, one that is presented as if it’s some type of universal answer, a magic bullet that can fix all our problems, when in fact it offers nothing of practical substance. In terms of real-world value, it’s just a cluster of warm and fuzzy words.

And “Americans Who Don’t Hate Each Other” risks becoming that kind of cliche.

So, we don’t hate each other. So what? What does that even mean?

Should those of us who feel this way simply make a point to try to understand and empathize with people who disagree with us politically? Should we volunteer more, particularly in programs where we serve with people who are different from us? Should we just be nice to everyone? Wear clothing with positive messages printed on it? Post happy memes on social media?

Or should we launch local Americans Who Don’t Hate Each Other chapters? Make AWDHEO into a recognizable acronym? Organize community forums and other events? Make charitable contributions in the chapters’ names? Fundraise? Print T-shirts?

We should be able to do something. We hold a two-thirds majority in the U.S., so we should be able to make our impact felt, which, in this case, would translate to being able to make our politics and culture less hateful.

Yet, AWDHEO face major constraints in our ability to shape society. First, there aren’t any viable candidates who reflect our values.

Since 1950, independent candidates have won a total of 12 seats in the House of Representatives out of the more than 15,000 seats that have been contested in that time. Between 1913 and 2018, independent or third-party candidates won only 18 Senate seats out of the more than 1,100 seats that were vied for in that period. And, of course, no independent or third-party candidate has won the White House since George Washington, whose election preceded the birth of U.S. parties.

Yes, on rare occasions, an unaffiliated candidate will slip through and win election to some moderately influential position—former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura comes to mind. But, even in those unusual instances, unaffiliated officials have no bloc of support within the government to which they have been elected and, in the case of lawmakers, may have to caucus with one of the parties.

So, on election days, most AWDHEO show up and pull the lever for one side or the other, out of civic duty and lack of feasible alternatives. But, our leverage over U.S. politics is limited to our free agency as voters.  

The second restriction on AWDHEO’s clout is that we don’t control any major societal institutions. The news, education, business, arts and entertainment sectors are all run by partisans or are at least saturated with partisan politics.

This applies to both the left-leaning “establishments” of these worlds (e.g. mainstream news media) and the right-leaning, alternative ecospheres (e.g. Fox News and similar outlets) that have emerged in reaction. Almost everyone and everything in these spheres is one shade of partisan or another.

But, they aren’t just partisan. They’re also pro-partisan.

In other words, they embrace the predominance of partisan struggle. They embrace it as an appropriate paradigm for civic life. They embrace the idea that politics is a game or battle that is meant to be won, and they are committed to winning it.

Unity isn’t their priority. Victory is.

All these folks are ideologically invested in their side’s ultimate triumph in the perpetual contest between blue and red. However, many of them are also financially invested in the perpetuating the conflict.

News providers thrive on partisan acrimony because it generates clicks and ratings. Colleges and private schools get free publicity when they publicly wade into the culture wars. Companies cultivate long-term customer relationships within desired demographics when they take stances on controversial issues that align with the dominant stances of those demographics. And artists, entertainers, athletes and other celebrities get buzz and glowing press when they get involved with a cause (from press that support it), even if the cause is polarizing.

With all of these forces incentivizing divisiveness and making people actually hate each other, how can AWDHEO be anything more than a theoretical abstraction? With all these curbs on our influence, how can our message ever be more than just another cluster of warm and fuzzy words?

We can start by making it a subject of conversation. The point is to get people talking about it. Because if enough folks join the conversation, America will hear us.

Change takes place largely from the bottom-up. Social transformation is sparked by movements that are born in the grassroots.

The most prominent examples in recent years are Black Lives Matter and Me Too. More than anything else, these movements caught fire because everyone was talking about them. At dinner tables and water coolers and in the media and on social media, they became universal topics of discussion.

Of course, BLM and Me Too were both propelled by precipitating events. BLM, which originated in 2013, captured public consciousness as never before after the murder of George Floyd in 2020. Me Too, which was started in 2006 by activist Tarana Burke, went viral in 2017 after actress Alyssa Milano wrote a social media post suggesting that all women who had been sexually assaulted or harassed use the hashtag #metoo.

Could the launch of an obscure blog and related projects be the event that creates a similar cultural moment, one that forever alters how we think about a basic aspect of life—in this case, politics? Could the view that it promotes—that most people don’t hate people who disagree with them and that our disagreements aren’t worth hating people over—become society’s new “it” philosophy?

Maybe. If we can get enough people talking about it.

#AWDHEO

** Portions of this post have been adapted from my upcoming book The Anti-Partisan Manifesto: How Parties and Partisanism Divide America and How to Shut Them Down (2024).

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